


A promise

by TimeLordOfManyNames



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, POV First Person, Psychology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 03:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2678015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimeLordOfManyNames/pseuds/TimeLordOfManyNames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, Doctor, if you could know. If only you could know how many times my hearts were breaking to pieces because of you uncomprehending me, because of you repulsing me — again and again, without giving any explanation except that we are different, that we are doomed to be on the opposite sides of a chess-board, that you will be always the judge while I will be the accused, without getting the main thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A promise

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: «Death in Heaven».  
> Music: «Never let me go» by Florence and The Machine.

We were always a couple of big kids, Doctor. Playing around in the Universe with big toys. _Admit it._ You took it always seriously while I never forgot that that's just another game, a little set between you and me. The Universe is such a funny thing if you possess an almost boundless power as a Time Lord does. But with the years passing you started to take me — carelessly or by forgetting myself in playing — breaking your toys very much to heart. I even would say, to both of them. When an interest to humans, to history and to these stupid rules that you set your hands to observe by breaking them again and again grew into attachment?

You made them your friends — so little, unimportant, exalting them above all the others, giving them the possibility to feel themselves special. Even if you were never forgetting how much are you over them — you almost never showed it to your little friends that replaced the society of your own kind for you. That replaced _me_ for you, Doctor, because you didn't want to play by my rules and my games.

To be always right, to sow the good seed and to bring justice even where no one is interested in it, where everyone is alright with what he has, — with time it became your drug, Doctor. You haven't even noticed that you got addicted on it as much as I thirst for the conquests. Only that you're playing white doesn't make you always right, love. You bring justice, you say, yes, but _how_ do you do that? How many innocent lives die away because of your justice and how many of your little friends are ready to sacrifice theirs at one your word? So are we really that different? I crave for a world supremacy and you — for justice. Both these wishes take other's lives. _Haven't you notices, have you?_

Oh, Doctor, if you could know. If only you could know how many times my hearts were breaking to pieces because of you uncomprehending me, because of you repulsing me — again and again, without giving any explanation except that we are different, that we are doomed to be on the opposite sides of a chess-board, that you will be always the judge while I will be the accused, without getting the main thing.

 _You're the same_ god as I am, bringer of life or death of your own free choice. But I choose whom to die and you choose whom to live. If I would ask you what is worse of it, _what_ would you answer me, old friend?

I'm tired to fight, I'm tired to play soldiers, Doctor, but that's the only way I can gain your attention and I have so much to tell, that much to explain — so as you could finally understand me. Countless hundreds of years on I finally realized that maybe there's only one way to show you how little different we are.

"Why are you doing this?"

Don't cry, love. I know that understanding hurts so much, especially, if you don't want to understand, if you get used to run — run from Gallifrey and to go on running all your life. To run away from them, to run away from yourself, _to run away from me._

"I need you to know we're not so different! I need my friend back."

Look me in the eyes. I can be an excellent liar, _just like you,_ but there are things I can't lie you about. Because I just can't. Because it doesn't matter how many years passed, how many regenerations and bodies we had — I still remember the date of your birthday, your smell and the way your hair was burning in the sunset, I remember every detail of every face you had, Doctor.

_Because I love you._

Don't you know that, even if you chose to forget about it long ago and to never recall it again.

But you do remember. I can feel it in a moment your fingers slip tenderly behind my ears pulling me for a short kiss as sincere as I could only dream about countless times waking up alone and feeling how far were you at the time.

My Doctor, the only one whom for I'm ready to turn back from the dead time and again, whom for my hearts go on beating. Whose feet at I'm ready to throw an army just to make him understand me at last.

"Because love, it's not an emotion. _Love is a promise and he will never hurt her._ "

As I will never hurt you. I can break your toys, upset you, conquer your favourite planet time and again, put you in danger, but I could never really kill you, Doctor.

Because there are promises that can't be broken even by me. Because one day you'll get it if you don't get it now.

"Say something nice."

Don't cry, Doctor. It's alright. Everything will be fine. I just want you to understand me. I want you to feel how much pain _do I feel_ every time you run away — at last.

_"You win."_

I can see it in your eyes. Words that were said more than a thousand years ago, only once.

"I know."  
 

And I know that you'll never break this promise.


End file.
